her_mouse_jesty | 56 (The Little Whirlwind)

[...you, madam, are so quaint he's gonna die.]

Perhaps I'd like to take you up on that offer.

[of all people, you really shouldn't use that metaphor.]

Wonderful! Oh, let me see, let me see... Have you ever heard the tale of Aladdin and the lamp?

[Well, it could be worse. "So cute he could kill something" is arguably both a million times more apt and about a million times more horrible.

...as it stands, however, Kimblee is from some alternate version of the world where the countries Aladdin could conceivably be set in don't even exist, so. Huh.]

I can't say that I have, actually. Do go on.

[orz. anyway, she clears her throat, ready to begin.]

Once upon time, in the desert kingdom of Agrabah, there was a street urchin named Aladdin. He had no family, and stole for a living. However, he had a kind heart, and a loyal monkey companion named Abu. He longed for a good life where he could be treated with respect, and would always longingly look at the palace. Inside the palace, the Sultan wanted his daughter, the princess Jasmine, to marry before her next birthday, but she refused every suitor. She wanted to marry for true love, and so one night, she ran away from the palace.

[...wait, she what]

And what in the world was that supposed to solve?

Well, she thought she could have freedom if she ran away. Unfortunately, she'd never been outside the palace walls before, so she had no idea what life was like out there.

She took food from a merchant to give to some hungry children, but she had no money to pay for the food. The merchant was ready to cut off her hand for stealing, but Aladdin stepped in, and claimed that Jasmine was his sister, who was too insane to know right from wrong. Jasmine played along, and the merchant let her go. Aladdin fell for her beauty, and showed the princess all around the kingdom, not knowing who she really was. They spent the day together, falling in love...

... And they never suspected that the Sultan's adviser, the evil Jafar, was spying on them!

[okay so we have a socially stupid princess who seems to think that street shops give out food and vendors are just there...for the hell of it or something

a country where they whack off your hand for stealing, holy shit

a resourceful homeless guy

and a love story that happens over the course of like six hours or something

and then

THE PLOT THICKENS

good god woman your stories are intense]

For what purpose? I'd assume to take over the throne?

[you can just hear the disney logo coming up, huh]

Of course! Jafar wanted to rule Agrabah, and he had spells, magic weapons, and even a talking parrot to try and usurp the Sultan, but he always failed. His latest scheme was trying to enter a Cave of Wonders to get hold of a magic lamp, but the cave would only let 'a diamond in the rough' enter. Jafar used a spell to find this 'diamond in the rough', and discovered it was Aladdin. He sent the palace guards to capture Aladdin, and claimed Aladdin had kidnapped the princess. Despite Jasmine's objections, Aladdin and Abu were tossed in the dungeon, and sentenced to die. Aladdin though he was done for...

... until a strange old man in the dungeon began to talk about a Cave of Wonders.

[WAIT BUT WHAT THO]

Wait, wait. Was the Sultan magical as well? Because I don't see why the magic weapons wouldn't work, but the lamp supposedly would.

[Admittedly, he's not expecting too much of a coherent answer here, given that emphasis was put on the talking parrot like this was supposed to solve everything, but you know...]

...admittedly I'm not entirely sure what this magical...lamp...thing that you're referring to is, because I suspect it's not what I'm picturing in the least - but that is neither here nor there, I suppose...

[OH MY GOD HE IS SO LOST

THIS IS A STORY YOU TELL TO SIX-YEAR-OLDS AND HE IS SO LOST]

The Sultan had no magic, but you could just say he was very lucky. Jafar wasn't as powerful as he'd like to think up until then. Now, a lamp in Agrabah was normally used to hold oil and be lit on for light. As for the magic part... well! Back to the story.

[She's patient, having dealt with having to explain this to kiddos before.]

The old man was Jafar in disguise, and said he would help the two escape if they promised to get him the lamp from the cave. Aladdin was a man of his word, so he promised. Jafar helped take Aladdin and Abu out of the dungeon, leading them to the cave. He told Aladdin to touch nothing but the lamp, and again, Aladdin promised. Aladdin and Abu went inside, and the cave was filled with treasures piled high! Gold, jewels, a single piece of it would have made him ten times richer than the sultan! They even found a flying carpet that followed them around, glad to have new friends. But Aladdin remembered his promise, and touched nothing, managing to find the lamp.

Abu, on the other hand, was a bit greedier than his friend... and he couldn't resist this one ruby...

[...okay so

incompetent wizard dressed like an old guy

resourceful homeless kid finding a magical oil lamp

greedy monkey causing problems for everybody

flying rug for no reason

got it]

Well. That doesn't sound as though it's going to end very well, now, does it.

Right!

The cave came to life, and roared over the broken promise! The entrance to the cave was sealed shut, and now there was no way out! Jafar assumed this meant Aladdin was dead, and returned to the kingdom, deciding his next scheme to rule Agrabah would be to marry the princess. But Aladdin was alive and well! In his despair, he looked the lamp over, wondering what was so special about it. It looked a little dirty, so he rubbed it...and a mystical genie came out! Genies are magical creatures who grant three wishes to whoever rubs their lamp. But there were rules to the wishes... You can't kill people, you can't bring people back from the dead, and you can't make people fall in love.

[IN WHICH THE CAVE JUST ROARED AND ATE A TEENAGER

HOLY

SHIT

MADAM]

[...hold on.]

Well, if those are the only restrictions, then that's...fortunate, I suppose. I mean, I understand the restriction on not bringing people back from the dead; that never ends well, from what I've heard. And I suppose making others fall in love qualifies as playing god...

...why in the world can't they kill, though? Or is that just a matter of personal preference?

[DON'T RUIN THE STORY YOU FREAKING MONSTER]

Life and death are not things to be played with. Fortunately, Aladdin didn't want anyone dead, so there was no problem with that.

However, Aladdin was clever! Instead of using his first wish, he tricked the Genie by saying he wouldn't believe him until he was given a display of power. So the Genie used his magic to get them all out of the cave. He then realized the trick, and made Aladdin swear to never do it again. The Genie also explained how sad and lonely his life was, always a slave and stuck to the lamp. Aladdin felt pity for his friend, and made another promise - that for his third future wish, he would wish for the Genie's freedom.

[WOMAN THIS STORY IS FULL OF LIMBS BEING WHACKED OFF AND MAGICAL CAVES THAT EAT RESOURCEFUL TEENAGERS

AND THEN THIS PARTICULAR RESOURCEFUL TEENAGER UTILIZES TRICKERY TO USE A PATHOLOGICALLY DEPRESSED MAGICAL CREATURE LIKE SOME SORT OF DRILL THAT PIERCES THE HEAVENS

ALSO THERE ARE FLYING RUGS FOR NO REASON

HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT THE STORYTELLERS IN YOUR WORLD ARE ON, BUT WHATEVER IT IS, CLEARLY IT WORKS AND IT PUTS YOU ON ONE AWESOME THREE-DAY BENDER]

At least he's charitable; I'll grant him that. Although I have to wonder exactly what he's going to use said wishes on - I mean, I'm going to assume that this is like one of those romantic movies in which he assumes that the princess can't possibly love him because of a difference in station. But he can't make her love him, according to the rules. So...?

You know your stories well!

Aladdin was still in love with Princess Jasmine, but knew she could only marry a prince. So for his first wish, he wished to become a prince. The Genie turned him into Prince Ali, and they had a grand parade, strolling into the kingdom and asking for Jasmine's hand. Jafar recognized Aladdin and the lamp, and began to scheme how to get his hands on it. Aladdin pretended as if he'd never met Jasmine before, in order to keep up the disguise. Jasmine refused the proposal, thinking he loved her only for her beauty and power. Aladdin tried to woo her by giving her a ride on his magic carpet, knowing how she loved to be free and explore, and it worked... at first.

[...oh my god

so if the genie made him a prince

not just...disguised him like a prince, but actually made him a prince

there's presumably an entire country full of people that just materialized right the hell out of nowhere to form this country that the resourceful homeless kid now rules

either that or there are some very confused people in an existing country that have no idea why they have new royalty all of a random sudden...no, but if they're having a parade, then they're not very confused...

BRAINWASHING?????

.........do we see why Kimblee does not do fairy tales, he is not seeing the forest because OH GOD THE TREES

...

All right. All right, that's. Likely not important, let's try to forget the brainwashed people for a moment and focus on the love story. Yes. Yes, this is a good idea.]

Did she recognize him, then?

More and more as the night went on! But he wouldn't admit it, so she had to trick him by talking about Abu, who Aladdin would have known but Prince Ali wouldn't have. Aladdin tried to lie his way out of it, saying he was pretending to be a street urchin to get a good look at the kingdom. Jasmine believed it, and decided she would marry him, since he was still much like the street urchin she loved. But when they separated for the night, Jafar had the guards capture Aladdin, tie him up and gag him, and threw him into a far off ocean to drown him!

[LETO

TAKE

THE WHEEL]

Oh, well, that's not horrifying at all.

[WHAT ON EARTH

FOR SOMEONE SO CUTE SOME DAMN TERRIFYING THINGS COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH]

[WHEN YOU WISH UPON A STAR

HORRIBLE THINGS HAPPEN]

Aladdin became unconscious, but the water made his hands touch the lamp, and the Genie was summoned. He realized the danger his friend was in, and was forced to use the second wish to save Aladdin's life. When Aladdin recovered, he raced to the palace, and managed to stop Jafar just before he could use his spells to make Jasmine marry him. Aladdin exposed Jafar's wicked ways, and the Sultan ordered him sent to the dungeon, but Jafar escaped, with a new plan in mind. The Sultan then allowed Aladdin and Jasmine to marry, and began to arrange the wedding. But when the Genie asked Aladdin for the third wish, the wish Aladdin had promised to use to set the Genie free...

Aladdin said no. He was worried that he would need the last wish, in case the truth about his street urchin life was exposed. He broke his promise.

Well, that was [pragmatic resourceful logical exactly what I would have done] rather cold, wasn't it?

Just like before, Aladdin would pay for this broken promise.

The Genie and Aladdin argued, and so Aladdin put the lamp aside, deciding to deal with the matter later. But that was a mistake... for when he left, Jafar seized it, and became the Genie's new master. Jafar used his first wish to become Sultan! And then his second wish to become the most powerful sorcerer in the world! With his enhanced powers, he exposed Aladdin's lies, and blasted him right out of the kingdom. He made the Sultan and the princess his slaves, making them bow to him, and even tried to force Jasmine to be his queen. The kingdom fell into despair, for they were now under the rule of a wicked and evil tyrant.

[...entire kingdom in despair

in like half an hour

holy shit, madam, this Jafar person is fierce]

And I'm assuming that this is where our hero discovers the error of his ways, and returns to...ah, Agrabah, wasn't it? And rescues the princess and the Sultan.

But if he was blasted clear out of the kingdom, I don't see how he was supposed to be able to save anyone, simply due to distance alo-

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/screaming with laughter, wtf

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oh my god I am laughing so hard I can't

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